Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize