i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
