I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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