Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
