I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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