I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
