and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
