my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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