I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
