How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
