why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
