he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
