Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
