I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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