tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
