Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
