i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
