i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
