I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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