great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
