I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
