I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
