I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Someone came in the potted fern
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
