nut hugger
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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