we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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