Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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