I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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