awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize