he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
