im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
