fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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