in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
