Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize