i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
