I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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