apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
