You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Randomize
