Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
