ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
