Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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