I just threw up on my dentist
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
