i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
