did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
