bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
