I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
