Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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