Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
