That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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