Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
