This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
