just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
