I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
