god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you guys were way drunker than both of me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
