Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
