I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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