I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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