Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
