I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
